splinters make it hard to masturbate
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
