and she was petting her beer can
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
