Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
