dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
