i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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