She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
