Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
