I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
