hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
