Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
