All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
