I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
