I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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