i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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