This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
