Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
