she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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