I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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