I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
