i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
