i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
