I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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