I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
