grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
