Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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