apparently the secret to your success is patron
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
