Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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