any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
