I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
we're making bets on your personal life
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
