legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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