my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
i drank out of a bidet.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
