You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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