he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Randomize
