i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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