so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
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