watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
