Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
