We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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