My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
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