I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
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