cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
