Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
