What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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