she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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