Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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