I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
