Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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