Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
