Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Someone shattered a urinal.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
