I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
